Lay Off!!!

 I've been laid off three times in my life.  "Restructuring," "saving money," "streamlining..." whatever the reason, it's hard to take.  If you're a pragmatic person, you know that it wasn't personal; that the decision was not based on you as a worker.  If you're someone like me, you feel like you've done something wrong.

I mean, I was told explicitly that my most recent layoff was not because of my work.  I was told I was a valued employee.  All I heard was, "Blah blah blah, you're terrible and we're glad to be clear of you."  Ok, that's a tad dramatic, but when you're a generally insecure person like me, it is hard not to feel hurt.  The part of my brain that is (sometimes) sensible knows it was a 'business decision.'

When I got laid off the first time, it was the first time I had been without a job in 20 years.  I'd been earning money since I was 14!  I was only refereeing minor soccer games, but still...I was getting paid for it.  I didn't know what I was supposed to do with myself!

This time, it wasn't entirely surprising, but I still felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach.  I cried on the phone call, which was reaaalllly annoying.  I'm one of those people who shows every emotion with tears.  Happy times?  That calls for crying.  Sad?  Naturally...crying.  Mad?  Angry crying!  The whole time, in my head, as they were explaining the whole layoff thing, I was repeating, 'Stop crying, you idiot! Be more professional!'  In my defense, it was the day after my triumphant baking pop-up day, and I was exhausted.  Oh yeah, when I'm really tired, I cry as well.  I'm a lean, mean crying machine.

So, we've seen that I am completely irrational.  It won't be a surprise, then, that one of the first things I told Husband after I told him I was laid off was that I already felt like a drain on society.  It had been about a half hour.  Again, there is a teensy part of my brain that knows how ridiculous that sounds.  And I'm not one of those people who thinks their job is their life, or that work is the most important thing in life. I just like something to be at.

When I was going through cancer treatment, I had to stop working.  I was home alone, and was too tired to do anything other than sit and watch tv.  It was not fun at all.  When the pandemic hit and meant we'd have to work from home, I was worried I would feel as isolated as I did when I was sick.  Actually, I LOVED working from home.  I got to be home in my jim-jams and hang out with my dog, but had lots to do.

But, the layoff meant I was at loose ends and left to my own devices again.  I had a severance package that meant I could afford a bit of time without a job, and Husband has a good job, so we would be fine.  Irrationally, as is my way, I am afraid to spend money.  And that is scary because how will I afford my expensive hair mask? This curly mop don't tame itself, people!  If you've got curly hair and a few extra bucks, ask me all about it.  You've got to take this stuff into account when you don't have money coming in.

Hopefully I'll hear about a job soon, and I can buy that pair of Vans I've had my eye on.  Plus, you know, contribute to the household again and have something to do.  This sassy lady in radio/advertising/voiceover is ready!